Mar 172014
 
not-alone
I had this conversation with a good friend via instant message over the weekend. I was inspired to blog about it, I was so moved by her reaching out to me and trusting my answers. I want everyone with disordered eating to get help, I want everyone to be in a good place like I finally am.  I want my friends to be happy.

I want to show you all this REAL conversation between REAL people instead of just typing out what you should do if you feel that you might need help….this is real people…and there is help, please remember I am NOT licensed nor an expert, but I have lots of real life experience!

My friend is in pink, I’m in blue 🙂

Do you ever feel the urge to track again even though you know it’s bad for you?

you mean with WW or calories? YES
I DO write down what I’m eating and make sure that I’m eating all the food groups, sometimes I even write down the measurements, but no calories or points

Gotcha. I’m struggling with not tracking my calories, fat, etc right now. I feel scared about weight gain and I want to track again because that feels “safe” even though it makes me insane.

Exactly, my perfectionism triggers my anxiety which triggers my eating disorder..sooo…especially with food, I have learned (and its tough) to not do it
BUT, from my dietitian I have learned ways to listen to my hunger and fullness signals
and understand what my body really does need -> grains, protein, fruit, veggies, fat, dairy and even desserts
When I first started I was tracking what I was eating AND the feelings associated with every meal and snack….even if it was just “normal” or “nothing” I wrote down every feeling
 
Have you thought about working with a dietitian? Often that can be about the same as paying for WW or another weight loss program, but its soo much better! They can be covered by health insurance so you are only paying copays (like me)
if you are diagnosed with an eating disorder (if tracking is a bingeing or compulsive eating trigger, you have an eating disorder)

I have never been diagnosed but believe I should be. I do think I need to work with someone but am trying to figure out how to afford it…

yeah its tough to figure that out My insurance covers me except $25 copay, which I pay weekly, but its worth it, its one of the things I’m doing even though I’m unemployed still

I think I need a real diagnosis before insurance will cover it. How did you go about that process?

Also, thank you so much for talking to me about this and feel free not to answer if I’m asking things I shouldn’t be.

its worth talking about, that’s why I blog about it
So here in MN we have two choices mainly, Melrose and The Emily Program
I already knew about them….they advertise all over
I called in directly and made an intake appointment
they had me talk to an intake therapist, take a few written quizzes and then checked with my insurance for me
if I didn’t know about them, I would have asked my regular doctor for a referral

I’ll see what happens with that and look around for something near me.

my insurance doesn’t require referrals to special programs,might want to check with yours if a referral from your primary is needed?

I’ll do that today. I definitely need more than just myself.

make sure you work with a licensed dietitian (not a nutritionist) and a therapist (if necessary)

Thank you so much.

you are welcome, thank you for trusting me to ask

Of course! I know you’re going through a lot of things that seem similar to me, and that you think about the world a lot like I do too.

The only thing that kinda sucks, and I blogged about it, is that I had to break out of my compulsive eating/perfectionist cycle by breaking all food rules and learning to live without food rules, so at the same time I was in Physical Therapy and couldn’t run or intensely work out,…that mixed with no food rules…I put on 70 lbs , I’m not saying the same will happen to YOU….cuz you are active…but now that I have no eating disorder symptoms and I can workout regularly, its coming back off…but SLOWLY because I don’t diet, I eat intuitively
Hmm, I might blog about this…..do you mind if I don’t use names?

I have been working on not tracking and I have definitely gained some. I seem to be in a holding pattern with gaining now but I’m TERRIFIED to gain more.

And yes, you can blog any of it.

thanks I think a professional would help you, we were born with the ability to eat intuitively and then we lose it, but its how every other species survives, it works for humans too and a dietitian will teach you

———

<3 Merbear
Jan 112014
 

I realized that I have only  blogged 5 times since the last Fitbloggin’ in June.  I always have a lot to say, but it never comes to mind when I have time to sit down at my computer, or once I do those thoughts become irrelevant.

I want to do a good, the bad & the ugly, but backwards and not so much negativity, here goes:

The Ugly:

  • I was laid off in November
  • I am the biggest I have ever been (I have been using the “F” word too many times to describe myself lately and it needs to stop)
  • I may not make it to Fitbloggin’ 14 because I need a job and that job also needs to allow the time off

The Beautiful:

  • I love myself, inside and out – The Emily Program has taught me so much about myself, overcoming and living with my eating disorder, and accepting who I am and soon I will be able to thrive
  • I have been enjoying my marriage for over a year now to my wonderful husband, we have settled in to our new home and I am just so grateful to be here with him
  • Over the last few years I have developed some amazing friendships and I’m so thankful for the people who have brought us and held us together.  I also am so grateful for the many people who have been my best friends since forever. Friendship is so important.
  • In the last year I’ve learned what I truly love to do…human resources, recruiting, writing, speaking, social media, and volunteering for causes and events close to my heart

The Great:

  • I have several leads for human resources positions
  • I went through 3 months of Physical Therapy and now I can finally get back to my regular workout schedule, so tied in with my new intuitive eating skills, my body should start to reflect the love I have for it on the outside, too
  • I can afford to pay for Fit Body Boot Camp with unemployment money, so thankful for that!
  • My generous parents may help me get to Fitbloggin’ 14 through an early birthday present so here’s hoping!
  • My husband and I are going on our honeymoon, FINALLY, in February to Cancun!!

My Can Do Plan:

  • Continue to explore intuitive eating, be aware of feelings, food and fullness.  Choose to use loving limits — with a weight loss goal
  • Attend Fit Body Boot Camp 5x – 7x each week and kick butt
  • Drink lots of water
  • Remember to eat 3 meals a day, plus snacks and have them be well rounded with at least two types of nourishment (a.k.a protein & grain or fruit & milk)
  • Truly appreciate the blessings in my life daily

<3 Merbear

 

Jul 022013
 

Hi everybody! Readers old and new! I have so much to say about Fitbloggin’ 13 but I think I”m going to just start with a photo blog of my activities and people that I spent time with.  Just to organize my thoughts!  I also plan to talk about the swag I brought home and even a prize that I won coming up in the next week or so.  I have to get that all organized in my head!

Fitbloggin’ is so much action, fun days of learning, loving, feeling, and moving….I’m so impressed by the bloggers who did live blogs or posted blogs almost every day that they were at the conference, I bow down to them!!  For me, I’m not that fast, I need to process. So let’s start with my photos!

Thursday: (Day 1): Flew into Portland and got on a bus to head up to Trout Lake Farm for a tour with Nutrilite, ending the day with dancing!

 

Heading to Fitbloggin'13

Heading to Fitbloggin’13

 

 

Liz & I in front of Multnomah Falls

Liz & I in front of Multnomah Falls

Multnomah Falls from down below

Multnomah Falls from down below

IMG_20130627_133252_294

Railroad Bridge Over Multnomah Creek

View of the high bridge at Multnomah Falls

View of the high bridge at Multnomah Falls

 

On the bus with Liz from our hotel to Trout Lake Farm with Nutrilite!

On the bus with Liz from our hotel to Trout Lake Farm with Nutrilite!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Multnomah Falls from the high bridge

Multnomah Falls from the high bridge

Railroad Bridge Over Multnomah Creek

 

Tractor driven by GPS, more efficient!

Tractor driven by GPS, more efficient!

Beautiful Vistas at Trout Lake Farm

Beautiful Vistas at Trout Lake Farm

Some Nutrilite Crops

Some Nutrilite Crops

Lemon Balm, smelled heavenly

Lemon Balm, smelled heavenly

Icelandic horses raised in Trout Lake near the Nutrilite farm

Icelandic horses raised in Trout Lake near the Nutrilite farm

myselfleahkenliedavid

Myself, Leah, Kenlie & David out dancing!

Friday – Checking out the expo, hitting up Deschutes Brewery for dinner, and mingling at Ignite Fitness in the evening

Liz trying out Total Body!

Liz trying out Total Body!

 

Leah workin' it!

Leah workin’ it!

 

A new friend Dani & I at Deschutes Brewery for dinner

A new friend Dani & I at Deschutes Brewery for dinner

 

 

Renee and I at Deschutes!

Renee and I at Deschutes!

Dani and I enjoying a local brew

Dani and I enjoying a local brew

 

 

Liz singing karaoke!

Liz singing karaoke!

 Saturday visiting VooDoo Doughnut, the Closing Reception and Sunday morning

VooDoo Doughnut

VooDoo Doughnut

Sue and I looking pretty

Sue and I looking pretty

Sam, myself, Heather & Christine

Sam, myself, Heather & Christine

 

 

 

 

Cynthia and I

Cynthia and I

Renee and I looking pretty!

Renee and I looking pretty!

Emmie and I

Emmie and I

 

 

 

Jun 032013
 
Team Flower Power

Relay Team Flower Power!

 

Yesterday I ran on a 4 person relay team for the Minneapolis Marathon and it was fantastic!  My leg of the relay was 5.1 miles and I ran at a 13:19 pace, which is the fastest I have done since hurting my back 3 weeks ago and the LONGEST DISTANCE I have run since last September when I did a 10K.

I get such a great rush from wanting to do the best I can for my team, just the whole race atmosphere…a bunch of other people also trying to do their best AND tons of support and cheers, and  just looking forward to celebrating at the end!!!

My leg was so pretty…I ran on streets, walking paths, bridges and a brick road.  There were a couple hills, which I chose to walk up instead of run…I think that helped me keep my pace versus hurt me.  I took a couple walking breaks towards the end while watching my overall pace so I’d only lose a few seconds..which I instantly regained once I started running again (30 seconds of recovery is sometimes all we need to keep going strong!)

 

Hitching A Ride

Hitching a Ride from Relay Exchange 1 to 2!

My team overall did a fantastic job as well.  We all came in faster than our predicted paces AND we finished the marathon 26 minutes sooner than we thought we would, beating our record from last year! 🙂

We were all feeling a bit nervous about our run this year since we haven’t been able to dedicate as much time to training as we did last year.  Despite the hiccups in training, we all got our finishers medals and were super proud of ourselves at the end of the day.

I just love that rush of pride and joy of accomplishment at the end of a race and its 1 million times better when you did it with a team!

Not only were RUNNERS part of our team though, we had good friends Kris and Corryn providing tremendous support. We didn’t have to worry about taking relay shuttles, riding the light rail, parking our own cars, or even checking/lugging our gear around.

I truly hope this kicks of a fantastic rest of the summer and into fall running streak 🙂 I’m going to keep doing lots of stretching before and after races and I’ll be kicking up my cross-training, too!  I’m looking forward to getting my pace back to where it was early in the year AND to improving even more!

My next race is a 5K, its the Color Run here in the Twin Cities in July and I’m very much looking forward to it!

Oh, and as an update with my Emily Program treatment…I have been feeling much more confident with myself and my choices…its a slow process, but I feel myself getting better.  Positive attitude, which is enhanced by working out helps!! 🙂

<3 Merbear

 

Mar 272013
 

I chatted a bit about this in my PNP Trackstar Challenge Facebook group, so thanks to those of you that are reading this again. I thought this would be a good topic to bring up to all my readers.

I haven’t been to a WW meeting for two weeks until today (I was on business trips, couldn’t find another meeting out of town that would fit in either)…..I’m up 9 lbs from my last weigh in. Ugh. I’m very glad that I don’t have any more traveling for quite awhile..and this was the first time I have ever traveled for work. So, I think I will recoup (I actually reset my WW start weight to start over)….and I will be ready with a plan next time I business travel.

There are things that I need to remember to plan ahead for:

1) Barley’s Angel’s meetings..there will be beer..I will be tasting it and discussing it with my friends (1x a month)

2) Parties on weekends….my friends get together and do gaming parties with lots of snacks and alcohol

3) No last minute food challenges…have snacks on hand, meal plans on hand, preview menus or have a plan for when I can’t preview a menu

4) I’m a foodie and a beer geek…there are so many awesome (healthy or not so healthy) things to try out there…I want to try them because I love the variety and trying new things….same with when I see a new beer that I haven’t tried…need to save my activity and weekly extra points for those NOT for a random snack on a Tuesday night unless I’m hungry and need it!

We know what has worked for me before, I lost about 4 lbs at my meeting two weeks ago…so what gives? What worked?

1) Meal Planning – it was fun, I loved knowing what meals I could make/have ready all week and I loved having leftovers and lunches!

2) Previewing menus before going out – decide what I want ahead of time..so that I can just enjoy the company when I’m out

3) Bring my own snacks and drinks to house parties, no one cares what I’m drinking

4) Be my own best friend, put myself first…its hard for me to say no when I have pressure (even if its fun, non-threatening pressure)

5) I am better at managing my choices when I get my anxiety in check, so I need to meditate/yoga/exercise/take some me time DAILY

6) I feel like my Weight Watcher’s meetings are Wednesdays are definitely important, but its a group and not a buddy, I need to find a buddy who is doing Weight Watchers and also “gets it”, someone from my regular day-to-day life. I have so many support groups online…so I’m reaching out to friends who may want to be a buddy.

I’d love some suggestions you guys might have about eating out, needing a snack last minute..what do you eat?,

What you might do if you have several “food related” things going on in one week…..

What do you do to have some “me” time..how do you make sure and take it?

I’m glad that I finished Slimgenics…that wasn’t real life…it was SO restrictive so I know why I lost all the weight, but I wasn’t going to be able to maintain that lifestyle…I can’t say no to everything , all the time for the rest of my life.  Weight Watchers has taught me some great lessons on building healthy spaces, meal planning, etc…I just need to get it INTO MY HEAD!

Also, I LOVE that it is finally brightening up and getting a bit warmer here in Minnesnowta!  I am so much better at exercising when I can get outside!!!! Go away winter blahs!!! I need to get my running times back to something acceptable and I want to get back on my bike! YAY!!!

<3 Merbear

Nov 132012
 

As most of you know I’ve lost 40 lbs on Slimgenics, and I’m extremely thankful for the program, the counselors, the friends I’ve made via the program online and here at home…..but, I’m done.

No, I’m not done losing weight, but I’m done with Slimgenics…the time for a super strict…can’t have bananas, melons, avocados & carrots plan is over.  I’ve learned some excellent fundamentals from Slimgenics about eating a high protein, lower carb, low glycemic index diet in order to lose weight quickly…..but this is not something I’m going to survive on. I need to learn to lose and then maintain using the much more open, easy to work into intense workouts, group support atmosphere of Weight Watchers. I’m toying the idea of getting to goal and then applying to be a leader….that’s how much I like Weight Watchers.

You may ask: “Well, why haven’t you gotten to go before on Weight Watchers, Meredith?”  My answer is that I truly wasn’t in the right place to have balance yet…I was only in a place for quick solutions. Now, my life is balanced..I exercise…and its FUN….the majority of my friends and all of my family  have a healthy lifestyle…and, well I’m ready. I’m ready to have more choices…..I don’t need the restrictions anymore.

I’m excited that Liz @LutherLiz has a meeting that I can attend with her….she is super motivational and inspiring to me..and that extra push of having a friend in the meetings is just what I need!

So, on to Weight Watchers…tomorrow morning!

<3 Merbear

Running Mojo & Internet Family – Pile On The Miles!

 awesome, C25K, friends, goals, Pile On The Miles, running, support, weight, Weight Loss Plans  Comments Off on Running Mojo & Internet Family – Pile On The Miles!
Oct 252012
 

I actually feel like running again! I figured out what makes me want to run….kinda obvious, but..I guess not for me til now. I need a race or a challenge to train for AND I need my online support system!

I do so much better when I have a plan…yeah, duh, Mer!

I’ve been kinda flopping around the last month or so in life in general and with running. Thank goodness I didn’t stop exercising because I have 2 days I week scheduled with a trainer…but until this week I only went running maybe TWICE in the last month and a half. I didn’t have any particular goal or any races.

Now, I have daily goals for self-improvement in my social media planning and writing, a running goal of re-doing all of C25K for SPEED vs. the distance, and the awesome Twitter #exerciseclub motivating each other daily with a workout move to achieve that day! I love reporting my results of workouts & runs to my social media family! Many of you I know personally and many I don’t, but I know you’re out there rooting for me. Its so wonderful when I hear from someone who found my blog or twitter account and learned something or could identify with me.

So my Internet Family….join a November challenge with me! The link is right over there on the left side of the blog! Pile on The Miles! This challenge is put on by Run, Eat, Repeat, on of my favorite blogs!  Here’s the link to all the info, sign up by Nov 1st!!!

Pile On The Miles

I’m back to consistently losing a little bit of weight every week (its slow, but at least its go!), so that is keeping me on plan..heck if I can manage 2 lbs a week I should be done by Thanksgiving, which I really really really want!! Eye on the prize!

What are YOU doing to stay motivated and fit as the holidays approach?

Do you think you’re going to join Pile On The Miles?

<3 Merbear

Oct 122012
 

Tonight I tweeted out that I felt another whiny blog post coming on and my awesome friends reached out to me.

So instead I want to talk about how important feeling and getting out your feelings can be.

If I hadn’t have shared how I was feeling, Dawn wouldn’t have asked me what was up. Reaching out and telling her & the Twitterverse that I felt like a failure for gaining the weight back that I lost last week and that I was fearing more failure this weekend, empowered me to be open to solving the problem.

Dawn, Liz and other friends tweeted and messaged me that tomorrow is a new day, to focus on what I’d important, get a new start, make new decisions. They are so right. I needed to hear that my guilt about gaining and wanting to sabotage another day are in my head and not that messed up or unsolvable.

Saturday, here in the twin cities, is the Zombie Pub Crawl. I was worried that crawling from bar to bar with my friends would just be way too tempting, after the disappointing week weight wise I’ve had, to not just give in and eat and drink whatever I choose. But, its not true, my supportive friends helped me see that there’s the fun of dressing like a zombie, spending the evening being silly with my friends, hearing bands, dancing, rides and karaoke to look forward to.

I’m in control, I know this now. I’m not saying I won’t have a beer or two, or some special zombie treat. I just don’t have a reason to be worried about it anymore. The night is mine!

Thank you friends, you know who you are, vocal or not this particular evening you are all in my head, cheering for my success.

Oh and P.S. For the first time ever I bought a regular sized, kinda naughty, Halloween costume! Yess!

Merbear

Popchips Contest Winner & Norwex Party on Saturday!

 awesome, contests, Food, foodie, friends, fun, lifestyle, popchips, weekend  Comments Off on Popchips Contest Winner & Norwex Party on Saturday!
Oct 052012
 

The Popchips winner!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

Second…

I’m having a Norwex party tomorrow folks 🙂  If you are in Minnesota and are free around 3pm….come! Bring a friend and get a free gift! I love meeting new locals. I made pumpkin bread, pumpkin whoopie pies, and I’ll have a key lime cheeseball, you know you want to come!!! Food and SCIENCE…Norwex is uber geeky cool cleaning stuff!

I went to a Norwex party, was awed by how well the products work! I am excited to not go through rolls and rolls of paper towels and napkins. To not have to keep stocking up on sponges, wipes and cleaners. You have to see how this stuff works!
If you can’t come or just want to preview…check out my friend Anna Berend’s Norwex page….call her or I with questions or orders towards my party if you wish! http://www.annaberend.norwex.biz/

Bring a friend for a free gift! Drop me a note here if you’re bringing someone 🙂

Norwex is committed to radically reducing the use of chemicals in personal care and cleaning to promote health. More than ever we feel the need to emphasize the positive environmental impact of reducing chemical use.
During the past several hundred years, human activity has significantly altered our global environment, and the negative effects of this are becoming alarmingly clear. No longer can we ignore the warning signs from nature. This trend can be changed if we all work together and take honest responsibility for our planet. It is a fact; household pollutants have a profound impact on our environment.
A radical reduction in the use of chemicals is an important step to improve the health of our planet and our quality of life.
The Norwex corporate vision for our products reaches far beyond the limited horizon of just making a profit; we are striving for a better quality of life for present and future generations. Our deep central theme is reverence for the value and beauty of all life on a healthy planet. Join us in our effort to improve quality of life in a profound way!
Sep 262012
 

Howdy folks!

Okay so yeah I’ve been home from Fitbloggin’ for a few days, but I had to decompress, get back into real life…and mull things over.

Now I can say, wow, Fitbloggin’, I haven’t ever experienced so many different feelings and learned so much all in one place, EVER.

Connecting with online friends to become in person friends . Meeting brand new people and creating new and wonderful friendships.  I met fabulous men and women from all across the globe (here’s looking at you @pinkypie).  I found new blogs to follow, holy cow I think I have at least 20 new blogs in my reader, I’m so excited to keep up with everyone!

I learned new tools, like using YouTube for vlogging-watch out folks, I will post some videos now! (thank you Sarah Dussault).  A new friend, @skinnyemmie, presented on the ins and outs of driving traffic to blogs with social media.

Tara (@tidbits_of_tara) and Meegan (@redstar5) helped us all share stories and support each other’s journeys…whether that was weight loss, maintenance, feeling like we belong, anxiety, depression, motivation or just showing love for one another by leading a discussion on “When You Have A Lot To Lose

I collected lots of swag..whoa, so much.  I left for Baltimore with a full size suitcase only half packed (I had been warned), I came home with a 51 lb, packed full suitcase, plus a stuffed full carryon AND a yoga mat from NatureMade slung over my shoulder!!!

Reebok, McCormick Spices for Health, Weight Watcher’s Cheese, Unilever Spreads Good to Know, Jump Sport Fitness, Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers, Florida Grapefruit, Refuel Got Chocolate Milk, Beef Checkoff, Nature Made, American Cancer Society, DetermiNation, Eggland’s Best, Popchips, SoyJoy, puravit.body, fitmixer, BistroMD, ZonePerfect, attune foods, and biPro

 

Of all the swag though…my favorite:  Reebok Realflex shoes

Reebok Realflex crossfit shoes

 

During the conference I did a crossfit workout and a trampoline workout in these shoes. When I came home I walked around downtown Minneapolis all day, too. These babies feel awesome….I’m pretty sure I’ll buy the running version of them for regular running use.  This model was described to me as a cross-training shoe and a saw lots of Fitbloggers running the Fitbloggin 5K in them on Sunday morning, but I probably wouldn’t run further than that (in my opinion only) in this particular shoe vs. a running model.  My foot, personally, needs more support for running more than 3 miles.  Walking and cross training though, these are the BOMB.

On a more personal note, this weekend I was kinda had this weird feeling, like maybe my story and my journey weren’t good enough, or tough enough to fit in with the other folks there.  So many tough stories of losing over 200 lbs, car accidents, spinal injuries, family deaths, eating disorders….and these amazing people overcoming them, coming through them, achieving their goals.  I kinda felt like a fraud….like..well..umm..nothing really bad happened to me….I was just overweight cause I ate too much and was lazy….yeah…that’s me.  Nothing traumatic to blame or overcome or learn from…just, yup…lazy and ate too much.  I was kinda feeling bad about that, like who am I to be here, all proud of myself, when I really haven’t done anything except count calories, exercise and lose weight.

I expressed how I was feeling like a faker to Robby(@FatGirlVsWorld). I told her how I felt like I don’t have a reason for being overweight, I don’t have a story…and she explained to me….that I do, “I just need to become more self-aware”. She went on to say, “As you become more confident & self-aware, you will learn your story, the reasons why, and you will become confident & strong.” She was also helping me feel better about how I know, this time, as I become more self-aware, that I will keep the weight off…because I will know myself better than before.

I want to make sure and thank Robby for being so strong, rational, reasonable and motivational to not only me, but to the many men and women she sat down and had a heart-to-heart with over the weekend, and the people she hugged, patted on the back, rang a bell for, shared a #GoTheDist wristband with, and overall encouraged to be awesome….because she loves us…..WE LOVE YOU, TOO LADY!

Alright, that’s it for now, phew…

<3 Merbear