Jun 122013
 

 

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired

I’ve done a lot of work over the last couple of months on removing the taboos of food rules, food restrictions, and food labels…..which helps remove “some” of the emotion from eating….and has helped me remove feelings of anxiety surrounding meal planning, what I’m going to eat next, what I can eat, and guilt, etc.

While continuing to keep that at the front of my mind, I am now also working on the situations that bring food to the forefront for me, the emotional ties. A good acronym that my Emily Program dietitian taught me is H.A.L.T which stands for” Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired”   I started practicing asking myself that every time I thought about having a snack or a meal..and writing it down in my meal log along with the food.

Well, lo and behold…it pretty much started working right away!  I can’t believe that an extra little step like that, just asking myself why I wanted to eat…but not judging myself on the answer…helped me make better eating decisions. Its important not to judge on the answer…otherwise that can bring emotion right back into the mix.

During my first week of practicing H.A.L.T, I stopped snacking on the fun size candy bars in my office drawer.  I know they are there and I can have them if I feel like it. But, every time I wanted one I asked myself why.  Usually it was an emotional answer. Note: even if my answer doesn’t fall in “A, L, or T” those categories help me determine if my answer is emotional or an actual nutritional need.

One of those times I actually answered “Hunger” but instead of going right for a candy bar I asked myself, “why am I hungry, am I missing a food group, what am I hungry for?” It actually turned out that I was a bit low on protein for the day after thinking about it and I grabbed a snack pack of tuna instead!

Another bit of an emotional episode this weekend caused me to want to drive straight to the closest Dairy Queen, McDonald’s or any place I could for a big frozen treat.  But, I stopped myself…asked HALT? The answer came back as “angry and tired”….I acknowledged my feelings, thought about how food wouldn’t solve them, and talked myself into going straight home and getting comfy in bed and enjoy some TV! I followed through with my plan, but about every 5 minutes I had to tell my brain to stop drifting back to my old “ice cream!’ response and to come back to the “you need comfort of home and sleep” response. It worked!

This is not to say that going for an ice cream treat is a bad thing, this is just saying in this situation it was for the wrong reason.  I can have ice cream even if I’m not filling a nutritional or hunger need….but I absolutely do not want a treat if I’m filling a negative (or sometimes even positive) emotional need!!

I love ice cream 🙂 Its in my freezer, I could have had it when I got home, too..but I didn’t…because its not what I needed. I fell asleep right away when I got comfy in my bed and I felt so much better the next morning!

Now that I’m really in the flow with HALT and I’m going to keep that up along with losing the food rules…we’re working on The Hunger Discovery Scale for my next session….how hungry are you before you eat…and after….and what part of the ranges are good to stay in.  I’ll come back with a report in a couple weeks 🙂

<3 Merbear

May 242013
 

I accept myself – fully and unconditionally, as I am, in this moment

 

The second part of my Emily Program journey started this week – therapy.  Every eating disorder has roots, some are obvious, but most are not.  My eating disorder ties right in to my anxiety (not surprising) and the roots of my anxiety are fear of abandonment and the need to seek approval and acceptance of myself from outside sources. On the outside, to people who don’t know me, and much to my chagrin, I may appear selfish and needy. As my husband says, “there you go again think for your selfer”. I admit that I act this way. I’ve developed this defensiveness over the years…anytime I even slightly perceive that I’m not being listened to or I think that someone has the wrong idea about me…I overreact.  Its because I perceive that person is not accepting me or approving of me any longer (so I have learned in therapy). It shakes my anxiety to the core. But, it makes me look and act like a child.

My need breaks my emotions, makes me crave comfort and to feel good.  Thus triggering emotional eating  that can turn into compulsive eating.

On Sunday a celebrated my birthday with my family. I had such a good time dancing with my niece, hugging my nephew, having excellent conversation with my parents, sister, brother-in-law, cousin and husband. But, something in me was sad…I’m not feeling so awesome about my body right now…after a week of prescribed rest and prednisone for a back injury..I felt like a big blob…sad that I didn’t want new clothes for my birthday because they’d all be in big sizes..which I’d have to accept as where I am, albeit temporary. I gave in to being sad and I grabbed 4 sugar cookies, sat down on the couch and flipped on the TV.  Although its fine to have a dessert and its fine to have cookies, the *reason* I took the cookies and the *reason* I chose four is disordered. I just wanted to have that yummy taste and feel that crunch.  Ryan had been tuned in to my feelings all day (like the good hubby he is) and he called down from upstairs and asked how I was doing…he heard the tremor in my voice and came down to talk it out.  I should have just talked to him first…because of course it helped to just share.  I felt so much better.

Just for a bit of clarification –  I’m not a binge eater anymore..that was when I was much younger, I’m a compulsive eater.  I didn’t feel out of control when I ate those cookies, I just ate them for the wrong reason. My feelings made me want to eat, instead of actually dealing with and going through them (I need an outside source, some don’t.)  Ryan helped make me feel better, not the cookies. 🙂

My Monday session with my new therapist felt awesome…she asked about my past and how I’m feeling now. We really dug in to find the source of my anxiety in general and how that relates to my compulsive eating. I felt good after that hour chat with her, after identifying what is really going on. Developing an understanding, even if its not a solution, feels good and has already helped me this week. I’m able to talk out and reason out why I feel a certain way and even talk through it with close friends and family. I still seek approval, agreement and acceptance..so it does feel better when I can explain it all to someone else and they “get it”, too. But, when its family and close friends, that’s okay 🙂

I’m okay, I’m me..and I love me 🙂

<3 Merbear

Dec 172012
 

I just need to get it out!

Last week, after a month at weight watchers, not only did I not lose, I gained back everything plus some that I lost in the last month! Whaaaat?  I’m so mad!

And now…its Monday….I have tomorrow and another weigh in coming up on Wednesday, and I do not want to go. I’m 50 points over..no, not 50 points over daily points…50 points over even if you count in my weeklies and my activity points! (not like I got many of those, that’s a whole different story).

I was going to turn it all around today….I ate a healthy breakfast, I packed a good lunch, I was all ready to go…and then…I got a fever on my way to work, hacking cough….could barely think….I basically got sent home…fine..ok…sick

I took some work home with me to occupy my time….but my feelings got in the way, I felt sick, mopey, blah…and I kept picking at the kitchen. Doesn’t it suck when you are too sick to go to work, but not sick enough to be stuck in bed sleeping…so you just, “mope”? I know you guys know where I’m coming from.

Oh but also too sick to walk on the treadmill, or go outside in the crummy/snowy/freezing rainy weather, or exercise…yeah my throat is bad…so all I can do is sit here, pouting, watching TV, and fighting every single second to not go into the kitchen.

Then I get home and hubby hides in the basement, totally not his fault, he doesn’t want to get sick, and I agree…but, I also don’t have a diversion from being BORED and feeling bad for myself.

So I’m hoping this complaining, whiny, feeling guilty about eating anything in my face post…helps me just sit here and be a grown up and quit eating…

Sigh….I just want to at least stay the same weight on Friday..please WW, be nice to me…

I think I will go to my WW meeting, even though I’m freaked as to what it’ll say 🙁

<3 Merbear

 

P.S. I need to look at this more maybe….

August 2011

August 2012

 

 

March 2012

 

Nov 2012

Nov 2012

Some days, you just have to go with the flow..

 Basics, fun, lifestyle, support, Team REFUEL  Comments Off on Some days, you just have to go with the flow..
Oct 162012
 

 

First…Hello out there Popchips winner..I haven’t heard from you yet! Can you post in a comment here if for some reason I missed your email?? Otherwise, I’m drawing again this week!

Second….vote ALL month for me!!  I NEED YOUR VOTES!  I submitted a video sharing what my After workout ritual is and how I refuel with lowfat chocolate milk and now have the chance to get sponsored on Team REFUEL! Check out my After video to VOTE FOR ME! If it earns the most votes at the end of the month, I’ll be the next sponsored athlete of Team REFUEL and have a chance to star in my own “got chocolate milk?” ad! And it’s all for a good cause. For every vote cast, REFUEL will donate $1 to the Challenged Athletes Foundation. Thanks

SEE MY VIDEO AND VOTE HERE! 

Swinging at the Park

Its the little things

I woke up this morning and I didn’t want to do anything. I was stuck by being po’ed at not losing weight or even maintaining over the weekend. Yes, I had some fun at the Zombie Pub Crawl…totally worth it…

Ryan & I are dressed as zombies

RAWRR BRAAINS!

 

…..but I still kinda felt like I was paralyzed…I couldn’t move on with my day, because I couldn’t decide if I was going to go to Slimgenics and face the music of an official weigh in (after a week of not going)…I stayed in bed and read Twitter, read about jobs, applied for jobs (still looking for some copywriting contracts folks!)….looked at Facebook…then….called my mom….

…yup, calling mom works 🙂  She invited me out on a walk around the lake with her and some homemade mom-style lunch beforehand.  Perfect! It got me something specific to go do and to get my juices flowing! While I was over at my parents’ house I got a voicemail from Slimgenics encouraging me to come in, offering some strategies to stay on track and some Halloween tips. I then planned to go today…but found out from mom that my niece would be spending the evening. I jumped at the chance to hang out with her….thus…swinging at the park and a big smile on my face.

I needed that.

Mom time, adorable niece time…swinging on the swings time..

Know what I mean?

<3 Merbear

 

 

Sep 262012
 

Howdy folks!

Okay so yeah I’ve been home from Fitbloggin’ for a few days, but I had to decompress, get back into real life…and mull things over.

Now I can say, wow, Fitbloggin’, I haven’t ever experienced so many different feelings and learned so much all in one place, EVER.

Connecting with online friends to become in person friends . Meeting brand new people and creating new and wonderful friendships.  I met fabulous men and women from all across the globe (here’s looking at you @pinkypie).  I found new blogs to follow, holy cow I think I have at least 20 new blogs in my reader, I’m so excited to keep up with everyone!

I learned new tools, like using YouTube for vlogging-watch out folks, I will post some videos now! (thank you Sarah Dussault).  A new friend, @skinnyemmie, presented on the ins and outs of driving traffic to blogs with social media.

Tara (@tidbits_of_tara) and Meegan (@redstar5) helped us all share stories and support each other’s journeys…whether that was weight loss, maintenance, feeling like we belong, anxiety, depression, motivation or just showing love for one another by leading a discussion on “When You Have A Lot To Lose

I collected lots of swag..whoa, so much.  I left for Baltimore with a full size suitcase only half packed (I had been warned), I came home with a 51 lb, packed full suitcase, plus a stuffed full carryon AND a yoga mat from NatureMade slung over my shoulder!!!

Reebok, McCormick Spices for Health, Weight Watcher’s Cheese, Unilever Spreads Good to Know, Jump Sport Fitness, Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers, Florida Grapefruit, Refuel Got Chocolate Milk, Beef Checkoff, Nature Made, American Cancer Society, DetermiNation, Eggland’s Best, Popchips, SoyJoy, puravit.body, fitmixer, BistroMD, ZonePerfect, attune foods, and biPro

 

Of all the swag though…my favorite:  Reebok Realflex shoes

Reebok Realflex crossfit shoes

 

During the conference I did a crossfit workout and a trampoline workout in these shoes. When I came home I walked around downtown Minneapolis all day, too. These babies feel awesome….I’m pretty sure I’ll buy the running version of them for regular running use.  This model was described to me as a cross-training shoe and a saw lots of Fitbloggers running the Fitbloggin 5K in them on Sunday morning, but I probably wouldn’t run further than that (in my opinion only) in this particular shoe vs. a running model.  My foot, personally, needs more support for running more than 3 miles.  Walking and cross training though, these are the BOMB.

On a more personal note, this weekend I was kinda had this weird feeling, like maybe my story and my journey weren’t good enough, or tough enough to fit in with the other folks there.  So many tough stories of losing over 200 lbs, car accidents, spinal injuries, family deaths, eating disorders….and these amazing people overcoming them, coming through them, achieving their goals.  I kinda felt like a fraud….like..well..umm..nothing really bad happened to me….I was just overweight cause I ate too much and was lazy….yeah…that’s me.  Nothing traumatic to blame or overcome or learn from…just, yup…lazy and ate too much.  I was kinda feeling bad about that, like who am I to be here, all proud of myself, when I really haven’t done anything except count calories, exercise and lose weight.

I expressed how I was feeling like a faker to Robby(@FatGirlVsWorld). I told her how I felt like I don’t have a reason for being overweight, I don’t have a story…and she explained to me….that I do, “I just need to become more self-aware”. She went on to say, “As you become more confident & self-aware, you will learn your story, the reasons why, and you will become confident & strong.” She was also helping me feel better about how I know, this time, as I become more self-aware, that I will keep the weight off…because I will know myself better than before.

I want to make sure and thank Robby for being so strong, rational, reasonable and motivational to not only me, but to the many men and women she sat down and had a heart-to-heart with over the weekend, and the people she hugged, patted on the back, rang a bell for, shared a #GoTheDist wristband with, and overall encouraged to be awesome….because she loves us…..WE LOVE YOU, TOO LADY!

Alright, that’s it for now, phew…

<3 Merbear

Sep 162012
 

 

Do you ever have one of those days where you don’t want to start eating? Not because you’re afraid of food, or you’re wanting to starve yourself, but you just don’t want to do the work of planning the meal, making the meal, and recording the meal. It just,  once in awhile…feels like too much?

This happens to me…and its not because I want to be *bad*…its not because I want to eat foods that are off my healthy eating plan or something….I just, ugh, I’m feeling lazy…that’s all, plain and simple.

You folks know I’m finishing up Slimgenics now, but I’ve done Weight Watchers, My Fitness Pal, Sparkpeople, Ediets…all those things…and none of the eating plans really have a….”do whatever” type of plan.  Its obvious why, if I’m not conscious of what I’m eating…then the eating *can* go bad, so why would any plan want that to happen.

I always end up eating on these days, because like I said I’m not for starving myself or anything.  But, I usually do it when I am quite hungry and I’m annoyed at being hungry because it doesn’t feel good. Then I begrudgingly write down what I ate, which is usually an apple, or peach or something that is easy for me….and I move on..throughout the day, being annoyed at recording my food.  Again, not because I’d rather be eating bad for me food, just kinda, meh, about forever having to think about what I eat.

Usually by the next day I’m over the feeling and it goes away for at least a week if not more. Most of the time if it happens its on a weekend…when I want to turn my brain off.

Will I ever be able to turn my brain off about this stuff? I mean I remember to breathe, to blink, to look both ways before crossing the street..how much longer til I can just eat right? Ever?

I don’t really have a solution besides the fact that to survive, I eat…so don’t worry about me not doing that..

Thoughts?

<3 Merbear

Apr 162012
 

 

Bridesmaid's Toast April 2012

Look at these two photos….

Where am I?  What’s in my hand? How do I look, how do I feel outside?

How do I feel inside?

4 months ago, New Year’s Eve 2011….I’m in the back of the photo….I’m pretty darn happy…on the inside and outside….happier looking on the outside…concerned about how happy I look on the inside.  Holding a drink..okay its NYE gotta party a little…but worried about how much I should drink to not look like a party pooper but how little can I drink so I don’t overdo my calories….trying to weigh my options….fit in but try to do some of the right thing.  Happy to be hugged by my boyfriend, happy to be hidden in the back of the photo and have his arm around me, too.

Jump up a four months….to this weekend.  Trying on bridesmaid dresses for my best friend’s wedding. Where am I? IN THE FRONT OF THE EFFING PHOTO! I’m ELATED to be in a photo with my friends and to be toasting my best friend. I’m ecstatic on the outside and I’m pretty proud of myself, satisfied and happy on the inside, too. What’s in my hand? WATER….what was being offered to everyone at the dress fitting? Champagne, orange juice, mimosas and cookies. What was I happy to drink and it didn’t even phase me or worry me that I needed to “fit in”..WATER. Was I happy with the choice before, while and after I drank it? YES. Do I think its super fun, cool, and invigorating to be posing all funky with my WATER toasting my best friend in the FRONT of the picture. YES!

BAM!

That is all,

<3 Merbear