Jun 182014

Just to put this out there, over the last year I had a back injury and I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Trying to work/think/learn my way through and out of obsessive and damaging eating patterns and learning to listen to my mind, body and heart when making intuitive eating decisions is a long and difficult road. This road was made harder by my inability to exercise besides my therapy appointments for 6 months. I went from dieting and running to an eating disorder diagnosis and no exercise.

I’ve learned a lot, one of those things is…..everyone has their own story, their own struggle, their own successes, joys and triumphs, too. Before we judge, just remember, we don’t know the whole story, we don’t know where someone came from, we definitely don’t know where they are going. Respect each other.

Mar 272013

I chatted a bit about this in my PNP Trackstar Challenge Facebook group, so thanks to those of you that are reading this again. I thought this would be a good topic to bring up to all my readers.

I haven’t been to a WW meeting for two weeks until today (I was on business trips, couldn’t find another meeting out of town that would fit in either)…..I’m up 9 lbs from my last weigh in. Ugh. I’m very glad that I don’t have any more traveling for quite awhile..and this was the first time I have ever traveled for work. So, I think I will recoup (I actually reset my WW start weight to start over)….and I will be ready with a plan next time I business travel.

There are things that I need to remember to plan ahead for:

1) Barley’s Angel’s meetings..there will be beer..I will be tasting it and discussing it with my friends (1x a month)

2) Parties on weekends….my friends get together and do gaming parties with lots of snacks and alcohol

3) No last minute food challenges…have snacks on hand, meal plans on hand, preview menus or have a plan for when I can’t preview a menu

4) I’m a foodie and a beer geek…there are so many awesome (healthy or not so healthy) things to try out there…I want to try them because I love the variety and trying new things….same with when I see a new beer that I haven’t tried…need to save my activity and weekly extra points for those NOT for a random snack on a Tuesday night unless I’m hungry and need it!

We know what has worked for me before, I lost about 4 lbs at my meeting two weeks ago…so what gives? What worked?

1) Meal Planning – it was fun, I loved knowing what meals I could make/have ready all week and I loved having leftovers and lunches!

2) Previewing menus before going out – decide what I want ahead of time..so that I can just enjoy the company when I’m out

3) Bring my own snacks and drinks to house parties, no one cares what I’m drinking

4) Be my own best friend, put myself first…its hard for me to say no when I have pressure (even if its fun, non-threatening pressure)

5) I am better at managing my choices when I get my anxiety in check, so I need to meditate/yoga/exercise/take some me time DAILY

6) I feel like my Weight Watcher’s meetings are Wednesdays are definitely important, but its a group and not a buddy, I need to find a buddy who is doing Weight Watchers and also “gets it”, someone from my regular day-to-day life. I have so many support groups online…so I’m reaching out to friends who may want to be a buddy.

I’d love some suggestions you guys might have about eating out, needing a snack last minute..what do you eat?,

What you might do if you have several “food related” things going on in one week…..

What do you do to have some “me” time..how do you make sure and take it?

I’m glad that I finished Slimgenics…that wasn’t real life…it was SO restrictive so I know why I lost all the weight, but I wasn’t going to be able to maintain that lifestyle…I can’t say no to everything , all the time for the rest of my life.  Weight Watchers has taught me some great lessons on building healthy spaces, meal planning, etc…I just need to get it INTO MY HEAD!

Also, I LOVE that it is finally brightening up and getting a bit warmer here in Minnesnowta!  I am so much better at exercising when I can get outside!!!! Go away winter blahs!!! I need to get my running times back to something acceptable and I want to get back on my bike! YAY!!!

<3 Merbear

Dec 172012

I just need to get it out!

Last week, after a month at weight watchers, not only did I not lose, I gained back everything plus some that I lost in the last month! Whaaaat?  I’m so mad!

And now…its Monday….I have tomorrow and another weigh in coming up on Wednesday, and I do not want to go. I’m 50 points over..no, not 50 points over daily points…50 points over even if you count in my weeklies and my activity points! (not like I got many of those, that’s a whole different story).

I was going to turn it all around today….I ate a healthy breakfast, I packed a good lunch, I was all ready to go…and then…I got a fever on my way to work, hacking cough….could barely think….I basically got sent home…fine..ok…sick

I took some work home with me to occupy my time….but my feelings got in the way, I felt sick, mopey, blah…and I kept picking at the kitchen. Doesn’t it suck when you are too sick to go to work, but not sick enough to be stuck in bed sleeping…so you just, “mope”? I know you guys know where I’m coming from.

Oh but also too sick to walk on the treadmill, or go outside in the crummy/snowy/freezing rainy weather, or exercise…yeah my throat is bad…so all I can do is sit here, pouting, watching TV, and fighting every single second to not go into the kitchen.

Then I get home and hubby hides in the basement, totally not his fault, he doesn’t want to get sick, and I agree…but, I also don’t have a diversion from being BORED and feeling bad for myself.

So I’m hoping this complaining, whiny, feeling guilty about eating anything in my face post…helps me just sit here and be a grown up and quit eating…

Sigh….I just want to at least stay the same weight on Friday..please WW, be nice to me…

I think I will go to my WW meeting, even though I’m freaked as to what it’ll say 🙁

<3 Merbear


P.S. I need to look at this more maybe….

August 2011

August 2012



March 2012


Nov 2012

Nov 2012

Refocus…eye on the prize

 control, Food, goals, guilty, lifestyle, popchips, progress, Setbacks, slimgenics, weight  Comments Off on Refocus…eye on the prize
Sep 282012

First…popchips, win them til Oct 5.

So, I may have not done the “stopped posting cause I’m not seeing results” thing that does happen to many bloggers….but I did do that “leeeeet’s keep it to myself that I gained weight back” thing. I didn’t go onto MyFitnessPal, like I had been, religiously, after every weigh in at Slimgenics..and update my gains. I was kinda embarrassed…everyone was so proud of me for losing 50 lbs…and at first I kinda just yo-yo’d…you know…down 50 lbs, down 48 lbs, down 49 lbs, down 47 lbs…then…it kinda went more like down 45 lbs, down 43 lbs…and yup…I’m down 38 lbs..even though I was 2 lbs away from 50 before my birthday.

Guys…summer is hard. Its not an excuse…its just a share…cuz I know the rest of you sometimes feel this way, too.

I actually don’t feel like winter holidays are as challenging as fun, spontaneous, bbq, boat ride, camping, fair, and concert filled summers. There are SO MANY freaking guides and tools for winter…the best foods to eat for holidays…how to avoid halloween candy, what’s the best way to fill your plate on thanksgiving. Plus, seriously, those holidays, at least to me are A DAY. I can hunker down and get tough on myself for A DAY..and do the positive self talk and food prep and planning.

BUT A WHOLE SUMMER…oh goodness, its been hard. Thank the bejeezus I only gained 10 lbs. Fortunately I didn’t have to go back to fat pants or something like that..but I noticed a little more annoying “flub” hanging over the waist line…my little tshirts that were finally super cute were looking a bit too floppy..you know the drill.

It also didn’t help that Ryan (my fiance), had hit maintenance…and while its still hard…he got to switch to just watching his balance of food groups and counting calories..he had no more “no-no” foods that Slimgenics blocks while you are in weight loss mode. I wasn’t eating out of spite that I was still on plan or something…I just was a little to “lax” with the rules…and it bit me in the butt! Until I reach a good lean body mass…my body isn’t as good at maintaining fat loss..and we all know fat attracts fat!

So NOW…I am going to buckle down….I’m going to get to goal by Thanksgiving…EYES ON THE PRIZE…I have to fight through Oktoberfest this weekend, Renaissance Festival, too. Some birthdays, some family events…even BEER SCHOOL…but I will DO THIS. Who’s with me?

I’m totally on board for #DontEatTheTreat on Twitter with @Tidbits_of_Tara and @redstar5 coming up next month through the holidays, too! Follow them on Twitter and/or their blogs to get in on the mindset!

What do you guys think? Is summer harder? Is winter harder?

<3 Merbear

Aug 212012

A few things have happened in the last couple of months!

I visited Cleveland with my fiance and ran an impromptu 5K with his cousins, I’m proud that I can just “run a 5K’ and be able to finish it without much planning.  If I train ahead then I can maybe PR or something, but if someone just asks me about running 5K or a 3 mile run around the lake…I can just do it…which is so nice.

I’ve been training for the Minneapolis Duathlon which is coming up this Sunday, the 26th.  Then I’m following that up with the Women’ Rock 10K the following Saturday..I’m very excited to be rounding out my summer with these challenging races!

I’ve been back to getting used to riding long distances on my bike and its like old hat. My body remembers and loves doing it.  So, I’m very much looking forward to the 15 mile biking portion of the Duathlon this week! It is a little challenging to move from the bike to the 2nd run…your legs are just kinda stuck in the biking mode…and you already just ran 3 miles before the bike ride, too.

I’ve been practicing my transitions and while my 2nd runs have been slow, they are doable and I know I will finish the Du and be extremely proud!

Another kinda bummer item that happened last week is I lost my full time job.  I think that this is a good change for me, its scary not having a job, but I’m ready to move into a career in social media, web content production, copywriting, white papers, and/or community management. I’ve been seeing a bunch of opportunities pop up, but if any of you blog followers out there want to send a recommendation or referral my way, that would be fantastic!

I need to be able to work to support my healthy habits!! 🙂  Yes, running technically is free….but as serious runners know…I need to make sure I have good shoes, healthy fuel, and the right running clothes and necessary accessories.  I also want to be able to keep going to my personal trainer, she keeps me well rounded and my muscles willing and able to run and bike!

With the summer there have been many eating challenges for me. I feel like there are so many lovely, fresh, tempting foods out there in the summer that just more easily tempt me. There are also many more social gatherings! Lots more strategizing, planning, and preparing for challenging eating situations all summer. Sometimes is really hard to stay focused and afloat.

This summer I have maintained my Slimgenics loss, lots of ups and downs, but maintaining.  I have another 20ish pounds to lose though, I want and need to be done with the weight loss portion. I thought I was focused again and then losing my job didn’t help. I’m not eating to fill emotions, I know this….but I’m just at home and lazy. I need to do like what I did for work….quick, filling breakfast…snack…lunch…snack…dinner. Almost like I should pack myself a lunch in the morning even though I’m not going anywhere. Hmm, this sounds like a good idea that I thought of while I was typing to you guys…I might just do that! At least “plan” my lunch, I don’t have to put it in a bag…haha!

That’s about it for now, I’m very happy to be back to blogging and connecting with all of you!

<3 Merbear

May 052012

I told you guys about the jelly beans a couple weeks ago.  I made that decision..it was a few jelly beans…and it didn’t affect my weigh ins the following week…but even if it had..I was cool with it…I made a purposeful decision to have a few jelly beans.  My boyfriend made a decision to have some lemon heads…and we moved on….it was cool..and its in the past.

So, last night I was out to dinner with my girlfriends…at a mexican restaurant…we picked it as our version of a little Cinco De Mayo get together.  We went to A La Salsa at Midtown Global Market…great place, lots of choices…lots of authentic mexican food..you can have chicken, fish, steak, grilled veggies, cactus leaf stuff, tamales, rellenos, enhiladas…they have the stuff americans want..the mexican classics…and some fabulous traditional mexican dishes.

I made my decision….a mole covered 1/4 chicken (white meat) dish. It came with corn tortillas…I was going to have one (that is on my plan)…not eat any rice and have grilled veggies and no beans.

Well….then there was corn chips in front of me.  I went over the menu…looked at the corn chips…my friends can vouch for me, I didn’t dive into the tortilla chips as soon as we sat down…I stated “let me look over the menu and see if I can have some chips”.  I shouldn’t have even done that….fried, fatty corn tortilla chips DO NOT equal a fresh corn tortilla Meredith…WHY are you even thinking of switching them out….

..but I did…I haven’t had a CHIP since January..I decided I could have a few…instead of the corn tortilla…so I did…and I didn’t feel guilty..and I moved on.

Well…now its the next morning…I dunno if I’m guilty, or if I’m sorry that maybe the scale has “caught me in the act”.  I don’t feel like having a few chips..and honestly it wasn’t very many, my friends could tell you that…not even half of the little basket…I counted, I had maybe 10-15…honestly.

I think I’m just PISSED that the scale isn’t down like it normally is on Saturday mornings…UGH, I depend on my Saturday mornings as a nice loss as a push through the week….I lose  little during the week, too..but its Saturday mornings that are my big loss, the one I officially record, etc.

I’m the same as I was last night…and MORE than I was last Saturday…like by almost two pounds. I also have TOM coming up so that’s fighting me as well.  So I’m sitting here saying “why did I do that? why did I have chips?” but its not because I don’t think it was okay to have chips, but because its making me mad at my weight and the scale. YES, I’m still down just shy of 40 lbs…..but UGH…stupid scale.

I’m going to have some cleansing tea, a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar, drinking hot lemon water now..maybe it’ll take the “edge” off some of this bloating….going to weigh in at Slimgenics in about 3 hours…wish me luck…..

<3 Merbear

May 022012

Turns out I walk a little funky, which wasn’t a huge issue….until I became a runner. Now, running 3x a week and sitting at work 5 days a week make my hip joints and related muscles sore.

My personal trainer is helping me by giving me ways to focus my posture when walking, standing and running. Basically I need to make sure my hips are “locked in” tilted forward. Those who do yoga or even who know correct form for able crunches should know what I’m getting at. The correct form makes my hips, pelvis and feet point forward and even a little “out to the sides” more than my normal, incorrect posture.

She and my chiropractor also gave me stretches and exercises to strengthen and stretch out my legs and hips. I’m currently working on getting in and out of a chair with only one foot on the ground and no holding on! It’ll strengthen my glutes and help my hips stay pivoted forward.


That’s my main focus right now is no more hip pain. It shows up right after I run and persists at least a day, which is no bueno.

Anyone have anything to add?

Apr 272012


So I haven’t run since Sunday…I did 4 miles that day, it went really well. Then on Monday night I was tired, on Tuesday I did pilates in the morning and got too busy at home. Wednesday morning my hips were super tight and hurt, I stretched but no running. Wednesday night, still ouchie. Thursday morning dentist, Thursday night lots of stretching and yoga cuz I was still super tight.

Since I missed two training runs Smart Coach downgraded me back to 3 mile practice ones. A decent time for 6 miles on Jun 3 is still predicted in my training plan, but I really need to get my butt in gear and run EVERY training run no matter what!

I think one of the reasons I was so tired this week is cuz LAST week was a high protein extremely low carb week on Slimgenics and I got so sick of eating meat that I didn’t eat even when I was hungry and had more food available for the day. I ate all my allowed carb things and then stopped eating. So that 4 mile run really drained me, oops.

Here’s to running this weekend AND my two runs this week! (I hope)

Nov 202011

I’ve been quiet in the blog world for awhile (a week or so is “awhile” in blog world isn’t it?)

Just to update really quickly…making sure I log in to MyFitnessPal every day and log, getting lots of protein, veggies and fruits, getting better from my strep….they have all helped me lose a 1-2 lbs a week lately…FINALLY. I just had to tweak my food and how much of it what time of day I was eating and it worked for me.

Now to the topic at hand that is really getting me down today…anxiety.

About a year ago the symptoms of anxiety started to really affect me…I’d probably had it my whole life…but after a lot of trauma in the last few years..(divorce, death of grandparents, death of a best friend, losing a whole GROUP of friends, moving, etc) I started being defensive in my communications with people (like interrupting, cutting people off, yelling, saying hurtful things). I also  was at a standstill in my weight loss and had been slowly gaining back the few pounds I had managed to lose before my marriage ended a couple years before. I was breaking down in tears at the end of spending a wonderful weekend with my loving boyfriend (we didn’t live together at the time). I even yelled at a client at work, yes they were being difficult, but the customer is always right and it was stupid of me. I got a verbal warning on my record even, my first, ever warning of any kind at a job. (I’ve been in the professional world since graduating college in 1999).

My boyfriend was starting to get concerned about me…he was sad that I got sad, he was getting concerned about my defensiveness, he wanted to help.  He suggested that I just go to my primary physician and talk about it.  I took the depression/anxiety questionnaire and had about an hour long discussion with her.  Yup, anxiety.  I don’t have the anxiety that makes me nervous in large groups or makes me think the world is going to end..I also don’t have depression…what made me cry was just worries…being worried that my boyfriend was going to leave me, annoyed at the voices in my head that were always telling me what was on my calendar to do next, what was on my to do list, what did certain people think of me, why did I think people didn’t like me (didn’t help that I had recently lost a large group of friends and one of my best friends had passed away).

The clinical part of all this was she prescribed me Lexapro. I found a website that explains how it works, which also explains what anxiety does pretty well.  Escitalopram

Escitalopram is used to treat depression and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD; excessive worry and tension that disrupts daily life and lasts for 6 months or longer). Escitalopram is in a class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). It works by increasing the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain that helps maintain mental balance.

In layman’s terms, if you don’t have an anxiety disorder and say, an acquaintance or even a coworker doesn’t invite you out to lunch…but they’ve invited everyone else out to lunch (or so you think, due to anxiety).  Most people that don’t have anxiety could blow it off…so I’ve been told, with the thought that “hey, too bad for that person…guess they just don’t have time for me and I’ll focus on the rest of my life”

Well, that’s not how it works for me…without my medication I would cry and worry that I’m not a good enough person, ask for the help of my family and boyfriend to make me feel better and they try to explain away that I’m a good person and that person just doesn’t need me..and its okay, so many people love me, etc.

With my medication, I realize that the thoughts of not being good enough, not being wanted…and worries that I did something wrong…are not real…that my mind is just over-focusing. I realize it…but its still hard for me to drop it…at least now I can talk about it, reason with myself…move on temporarily…but its still back there, in my head, it takes a few days, maybe even a week for me to get over it…its there..just in a compartment in my head. It never goes away.

People that are my friends see my anxiety in different ways…I plan, plan, plan, plan…I like to know what’s coming up, what’s going on, who is in charge (it doesn’t have to be me, but if no one claims being in charge, then I take over).   This can be helpful sometimes…my grocery lists are always in order before I go grocery shopping, I remember events very well because I’m always taking mental pictures and reviewing all my interactions with people repeatedly, I like to keep my house super clean because everything needs to be put away. Its easy to make plans with me because I know what’s coming up and when I have free time.  I’m constantly trying to please people #1 because I’m an extrovert and I love people but also #2 my anxiety makes me worry about what people think of me.  This can be hard on my friends sometimes because I get so worried and I constantly ask questions, my lovely friends are so supportive, they talk me down, they give me hugs, or they just spend the afternoon with me and take my mind off things.  My little anxiety attacks probably only come on every few months now and don’t last long, but they suck and I’m so grateful for my friends that understand and support me.

There is no happy ending to this post other than the fact that I’m getting better, I’ve been taking Lexapro for a year, I have a boyfriend and family that can spot when stuff is building in my head and they help me.  I have it completely under control when it comes to professional situations, thank goodness…I kinda made another little compartment in my head where I can turn it off at work, I have no idea how I did it, but I did…and I’m so thankful that I could do that.   I’m currently working on a compartment for my boyfriend..cuz duh as if he’d ever ever not tell me the truth or share what’s going on with me..he’s only been supportive and helpful…but sometimes, my stupid symptoms come out at him..I feel like the meanest person on earth when they do…which fuels more anxiety..but I”m trying.

A little bit of a plea of sorts here at the end of my post…to my friends and family….I love you all so dearly…you are the most important part of my life…if I am ever bugging you or overwhelming you with my anxiety flares…please please tell me and help me if you can…

I also apologize to people that don’t know me as well, I can be a bit overwhelming…I work so hard to gain your approval and then I feel like isht if I haven’t..or I think I haven’t…please don’t take it personally….but if you are willing to understand and you do want to be my friend…tell me when I am overwhelming you.. I promise you I WILL APPRECIATE IT AND I WILL UNDERSTAND.  The worst thing to do to a person with my kind of anxiety is to ignore me.  Some people think that being mean, saying hateful things etc is the worst thing to do to a person..but not me, the worst thing that can done to me is giving me a wall of silence…it makes my anxiety worse..it makes me fret and worry more.

Okay, I’m sorry if I turned people off or offended anyone or made you feel sorry for me…that wasn’t the point here, it was to document for myself and to share with my readers a big thing that I deal with.

If you want to talk to me about it, if you deal with anxiety and have stories to share, if you just want a hug…please email me, comment here, call me, text me, yell at me on Facebook…whatever…I understand…and I hope this may have helped some people understand me…and maybe helped others understand themselves or people in their lives with anxiety.



Nov 042011

Yup, scarf and hat, it was 35 degrees this morning and I've been sick, big smile tho!

I’ve been sick all week and haven’t been able to workout much…but I did get in my minimum 5 miles for  #POTM and I stuck with #DontEatTheTreat but I did manage to gain some weight. It wasn’t all this week, it was the end of October…but this last week didn’t help with taking cough syrup at night, ibuprofen and cold pills during the day, etc…it keeps me kinda fluffy for awhile.

I woke up last Saturday with a super sore throat, that through the week turned in to the inability to swallow without wincing, an awful loud cough, weird stuff in the back of my throat, a visit to the doctor and finally a diagnosis of strep throat.  Not the regular kind though, but the kind that sometimes people don’t even treat they just let it torture them for a week or so. I finally got my diagnosis and pills on Thursday, by which time I was no longer contagious and already starting to feel better. But I figured I don’t want that awful painful swallowing or gross hacking to come back again so I’m taking the full round of antibiotics to make sure.

The daily coughing and the 8 hours a day on the phone at work finally wore down my throat by this morning. I hardly have a voice. I decided to take today off work so I wouldn’t have to speak and its working.  I said goodbye to Ryan around 8am when he left the house and I have only since then said hello to my trainer at LA Fitness when I saw her. Otherwise, I have been a lady in silence all day.  Well, vocal silence, I’m still on Twitter and Facebook 🙂

Since I had the time today I walked to LA Fitness (a good 1.8 miles one way), then I walked on the treadmill while reading my Kindle and walked home again.  I took my time, enjoyed the beautiful fall day, took a nice shower and I’m continuing my day of quiet 🙂  My walk was so pretty, some of the last of the fall colors:


For those of you who know me you’ll probably be surprised, but I kinda like it 🙂 Not answering any questions, not making small talk, not trying to entertain or be polite to anyone, just me, myself and I hanging out together.

My weekend plans include a girls night out with Kris, Corryn, Deanna, Kat, Kelly and Mel..I’m so looking forward to spending time with girls that share the same focus on health as I do. We are going to Midori’s Floating World Cafe and then to see Midnight in Paris! I’m craving some sushi and popcorn tonight!

This weekend I also plan to do an outdoor run for 45 – 60 minutes, I’ve so far not been able to accomplish this since I set it in my running goals to prep for the next 5K due to being ill. Ryan also wants to start running with me because he’s running the Turkey Day 5K as well!

I will be doing some major work on the yard and house with the boyfriend this weekend, too. Our big tree in the backyard drops leaves at the very last minute every year..usually when they start dropping you know it’s going to snow in about a week…so for us its wait wait wait wait…rake like mad people….snow.   We’ll see if the tree is right this year, too!

Have a wonderful weekend!

<3 Merbear