You guys are right, it does not matter what other people think, it matters what I think and how I feel about myself.
If I were truly confident, if I truly loved myself and truly accepted myself, other people’s opinions or what I *think* their opinions are, wouldn’t matter.
The fact that I need to really dig in deep and truly learn to love and accept myself is the lesson here.
The fact that I don’t accept myself affects my outward appearance as well as my relationships with all the people in my life that I truly value.
Those that are close to me know that I struggle with #1 the need to have the last word, #2 the need to be right #3 constantly defending myself (where its NEVER needed)
I recently re-watched Brene Brown’s two TED talks (2010 and 2013) – are there more?
She talks about “shame” the #1 reason people are unhappy/anxious/depressed is shame. People who are not confident in themselves are ashamed in things about themselves…well there you go, I’m pretty sure she has hit it on the head for me.
I know my last post was fairly melancholy and I’m sorry if I scared anyone…I’m truly unhappy and annoyed with my slow progress, but its not like I’m not functional or anything. I’ll be okay, I just have to work through this stuff!
Why am I defensive? The root of the problem is I’m afraid that people will leave me…the Catch 22 here is, that if I am too defensive…people will leave me, because I’m abusing their love for me…ouch…and I totally accept that potential fate. The defensive behavior may not be 100% my fault, its the environment and people that I have associated with since birth that have affected me…but it *IS* 100% in my hands to work on accepting myself, loving myself and repairing myself so that I’m NOT this way anymore.
I’m slowly catching on, this is a process…just like fighting through my eating disorder to teach my body what real eating is and finally balance out my weight to something healthy so I can live a long life.
I will say, that I walked my lovely doggy Lucy yesterday and while I was walking I repeated to myself the awesome mantra I learned from a therapist and I know I’ve posted it here before, “I accept myself, fully and unconditionally, as I am, in this moment”…..one day, this will be automatic, for now….I’m learning to believe it.