Nov 252014
 

My husband asked me today where his happy wife went.

I didn’t answer as I bit my lip and wrapped up in my blankets on the couch.

Honey? Are you going to answer me?

{{tears}}….I’m here…under all this extra fat

I feel like a blob, a floating head on a body that’s not mine.

An acquaintance of mine suggested that I work out more and eat less..

Oh sorry? I guess I didn’t get that message, that’s new to me…this new plan of working out more and eating less…guess I’ll try that…

Guess what…its not a numbers game, it doesn’t work that easily, especially not for someone with an eating disorder who has yo-yo’ed on every diet plan there is for the last 15 years.

I told my therapist that I feel so stupid that I just can’t figure out how to eat less and exercise more…..she said that’s my eating disorder talking. Its not that easy, that’s not how weight loss works. Its not calories in and calories out.  I’m not going to defend myself, which is what I really want to do…but I always feel like I have to. Defend why I’m still fat, why I gained weight over the last year, why I don’t run anymore. I’m embarrassed to see my old friends, I know they don’t care, but its obvious I’m a roly poly version of my real self. I don’t really want to meet new people because then their first impression of me is the fat lady.

I love my family, I love my friends, I love meeting new people….but its almost like every time I face a new person or an old friend I haven’t seen for awhile…a little notch gets knocked out of my patience, my perseverance my self-respect……

Until I end up how I am now…a shadow of myself…surrounded by a blob of fat..

…..there is more of me, but there is also less….

I’m not depressed, I’m just really really really REALLY frustrated, like there is no end in sight, I need to eat my macronutrients, spread them out every few hours, get my daily dose of running my brain, muscles and metabolism..and my body will reset…its just…S…L…O…W

P.S.
Just because I want to defend myself some more.

I journal all my food, I see a professionally licensed dietician as well as a therapist at the Emily Program

I do a boot camp version of personal training 2x a week with a very well educated and experienced personal trainer and I’ve been slowly losing inches.

I also walk my dog with my hubby at least a couple times a week.

No one cares though….no one knows the story behind my blob….

<3 Merbear

  3 Responses to “Happy wife? Blob? Me?”

  1. girrrrllll.

    the story behind your blob is nobody’s business but you and your blob!

    I hope your reset isn’t too slow in coming and I hope you are patient! HUGS!

    xoxox, jen

    • Jen –
      I just now saw your comment, so sorry I didn’t respond sooner!! Thank you for your support! <3 Mer

  2. Ahh… Mer – you are great – you are a wonderful gal just the way you are – you are honest, and helpful and a consistent friend who has gotten me out of more than one jam. You are energetic and pretty and kind. You stand up for what you believe in…. and all of that matter a lot more than a number on a scale or a pant size. You want healthiness so you’ll get there… your not an idiot and your acquaintance had no business telling you ‘what’s what’.

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